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Office Life: The Ongoing Issue of the Restroom

CubeSanity — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 01:10:35 +0000

One thing you don't want to worry about at work is the restroom. The current office I work in does not have enough stalls in the individual restrooms or enough restrooms in the building as a whole. This is a problem.

Often, in the morning at peak usage, the two stalls in the main restroom are full. So, upon opening the door, you notice two sets of feet on the floor. What do you do? Should you wait inside or outside while patiently looking at the snacks in the vending machines? Or would it be a better idea to run half way through the building to the other restroom?

This other bathroom has three stalls but is extremely small. Also, the first time I went in I was frightened out of my mind by the loud noise the door made when it shut. I didn't know the loud scraping and bang was the door closing but I figured it out. I sat down to do my business and finally noticed the door was still closing. Anyone walking by would surely get an earful. You also have to hold onto the handle when you're flushing for about five minutes before it completely flushes. Geez!

To add insult to injury today a sign was placed in both stalls of the main bathroom. It read as follows:

PLEASE DO NOT PLACE MOUNDS OF TOILET PAPER

IN THE TOILET BOWL AND TRY TO FLUSH

IT ONLY CLOGS UP THE PIPES

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE A NORMAL AMOUNT

OF TOILET PAPER AT ONE TIME

What the? What's a normal amount of toilet paper?

What restroom stories do you have?

Keeping Abreast of the Latest Cell Phone App

CubeSanity — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 01:22:28 +0000

Thought about a breast augmentation but not sure if it would do the trick? Have no fear; Boob Job is here! That’s right, there’s a cell phone application that will enhance anyone’s breasts – and it’s only .99 cents!

There’s also iAugment. I think the designers of the these applications had in mind those of us who could not actually afford to give the girls a little lift but would like to know how it might feel if we could.

Breasts not enough of a change? Try BuildMyBod! It’s an application that points to the different parts of your body that you might want to modify and also gives the going price for the surgery as well. So, it’s also a walking advertisement for plastic surgeons around the country. But, best of all you can get a virtual breast job, tummy tuck and eye lift, all with the click of a button.

Need to find out what you might look like when you’re older, heavier and have less hair? There’s an app for that! Fat Booth/Aging Booth/Bald Booth can make you feel better about how you look today or how you’ll look in comparison to your friends in the future. Or maybe you want to know how the person you’re currently interested in will look with twenty extra pounds, a receding hairline and a double chin.

Want to be the life of the party? Then purchase 18,000 Cool Jokes. I know I would love to be able to tell a good joke and break the ice at any party. So, this may be the app for you.

What’s your favorite cell phone app?

Unlucky When It Comes to Jobs?

CubeSanity — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 22:59:28 +0000

I have the worst luck, particularly, when it comes to employment. As soon as I move to a new establishment, it folds. Literally.

I remember getting hired at GE Aerospace. I was so psyched – I thought I was set for life. The first year I was there – I went with all the other GE employees to the annual state of the company video presentation. The CEO of the company at that time was Jack Welch. What he said in the glitzy, high priced mini movie was.....”It's over!” What?

The Cold War had ended (I'm dating myself) so the big money the government was investing in the aerospace industry was going to dry up. Period. After that, people started getting laid off left and right. One day the ambulance screeched to the plant, sirens blaring, five times to carry out guys who thought they were going to retire only to discover they would be looking for a job after twenty years or more at the same company.

So, I left there and got a job as a state employee. I am golden. Or, so I thought. Two and a half years later, I got bumped out of my slot by a beautician. A beautician! Unemployed once more, I eventually obtained a position as a defense contractor working for the Army. During that time, I worked for more companies. One year, I actually filed three W-2 forms.

Finally, after twenty years, I landed a position as a federal employee. Surely, my luck is finally changing. Nothing ever happens to the federal government, right? This year rumblings have started about closing the facility I work in. I can't win.

Are you unlucky when it comes to jobs?

How to Get Off the Office Rumor Mill

CubeSanity — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 02:16:40 +0000

The company I work for is going through some internal upheaval. That's an understatement. It's actually erupting from the turbulence. Amidst the chaos are the rumors.

How much will the company downsize? Who might possibly be laid off? The organization wants to reduce its footprint but is unsure how to accomplish that. Close one of three buildings and cram everyone into the remaining two?

Telling people to stop talking is virtually impossible.

So, the weekly staff meeting starts out with the office chief, Darryl, saying he wants to dispel the rumors. But instead of talking about the organizational changes, he babbles on about his relationship with the office administrator. Um, okay. “First of all, I just want to nip in the bud the rumors about my personal life and say that it's none of anyone's business!” Do any of us have jobs?

Then he proceeds to say who the people are who need to worry about their positions. I'm happy that I'm not on the short list but saddened that there's a list at all. There will be only two buildings remaining and those buildings will be turned into cube cities.

Needless to say, the rumor mill continued to churn unabated. My cube-mate, Tina, and I got back to our space and just mouthed the words – Oh My God! “Darryl needs to get a grip! I think we need to look for another job!” Tina said. We couldn't believe he even addressed his personal issues at the staff meeting.

Later that day I walked into Darryl's office to sign my mid-year performance review. “So, do you think people are still talking about me?” he asks? I so wanted ask, “are you a man or a mouse?” I ended up telling him, “Some people have small minds and will talk no matter what you say.”

How's your rumor mill doing?

Co-workers & TMI (Too Much Information)

CubeSanity — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 02:09:49 +0000

I went to the gym the other day with some co-workers. I'm fairly new at my current position as an IT support person working with mostly non-IT folks. I thought it would be a good idea – you know, to build some camaraderie.

One of the women, Maria, an attractive fifty year-old analyst came out of the woman's locker room wearing a white t-shirt. Her leopard print bra showing right through. “Can you see my bra?”, she asks? “Um, a little. No one will notice, though”, I answered. OMG!

Maria, Debbie, the office administrator, and I strolled over to the cross-fit room and proceeded to get on the rowing machines. Maria wasn't sure how to use the rowing machine so I told her how it worked. She said that she was pretty sure she gained weight in her stomach after she broke up with her boyfriend. “Really?” I asked. I didn't want to know anything about that but acted interested. She continued to explain as we rowed.....”yeah he wanted sex every day, sometimes twice a day! He was like a machine! So, I stayed skinny.”

Debbie and I made eye contact – what the? I just looked at the rowing machine digital readout and then at the ropes hanging from the ceiling. I wanted to choke myself with one of the ropes but in my head I was insanely laughing. What was I thinking when I decided to do this?

After rowing for a bit, we were waiting for the fitness instructor, Jason, to explain the basics of a cross-fit work-out. I asked Maria if he was reliable since she knew him. She said, “I don't know about here but when I call him he generally comes right over, if you know what I mean!” At this point, I really wished I had my iPod so that I could jam the headphones into my ears.

Do your co-workers like to TMI?

Hoarders in the Office

CubeSanity — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 12:41:41 +0000

You've heard of animal hoarding or the at home hoarder who is burying him or herself alive in piles of junk. What about hoarders in the office?

Office hoarders are people who don't want to get rid of stuff because they firmly believe they may need it at some point in the future. I've worked with multiple hoarders over the years.

One woman, who was a thirty-nine year-old engineer, had so many piles of paper in her office that it was deemed a fire hazard. She was told to get rid of her mounds of stuff because we would have failed a safety inspection for sure.

She had piles of reports, newspapers, printed email, magazines. It's difficult to look at a co-worker the same way after viewing their space when it's so overwhelmed with clutter. A week after she was threatened her office was finally clean.

I worked with another guy who was in his forties. He left his office area filled with old newspapers (and he was in IT!). Did he read the newspaper all day long every day or what?

Another guy cleaned his office whenever a VIP would visit. He'd take all the papers and stuff them into boxes. The boxes were hidden beneath the sub-flooring. One week after the big-wig was gone the piles started anew – he never brought the boxes back out.

Some hoarders use the digital realm. I worked in an IT department whose job was to send notification to people to clean their email accounts – eventually they were cutoff completely. The lab-wide file server held terabytes worth of data used by the company for additional storage. This was like nirvana to some of the engineers – they kept boat-loads of data until the server that once seemed huge started to fill up. Some of the folks kept .mpgs, videos, photos of the kids at the zoo – not quite work related.

What's your office hoarder story?

My Call Center's Greatest Hits

SynergySteve — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:26:42 +0000

Working at a call center for just over a year had me contact some of the foulest, grimiest, most eccentric people that dwell in this country. When you watch the local news and see a report on how some poor soul finally met his breaking point and does something drastic (walk into the mall naked, rob a McDonalds with a crossbow, etc) odds are I talked to him or her the day before. Here are what I refer to as my “Greatest Hits”, some of them heard by friends and co-workers, most I heard with my own (once virgin) ears. Keep in mind the root of all of these conversations is a medical bill; I worked in a collection center.
• “No, guy, I can’t take your number down right now. You know how it is when you’ve got poop on your hands, eh?”
• “Sir, I understand you’re upset about this bill but I’m just here to help.”
“”I know, I know. I just get so worked up about this because my son almost died from this accident! Four days in urgent care, two weeks in a coma, all from shooting himself in the head with a potato gun.”
• “Is John Smith there?”
”Are you calling about the medical bills?”
”I can’t confirm or deny that unless I speak to John Smith first sir.”
“Well he’s not here…but I can tell you right now he can’t pay his bills with because of the severed penis and all.”
• “For the last time, I’ll pay my bills once the illegal aliens pay theirs!”
• (After a twenty minute conversation with an old woman who can’t pay her bill) “Well Mrs. Smith, I’ve got to talk to other people now. I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”
”Oh! You’re not taking up my time at all! My kids never call me anymore, it’s so nice to talk to someone.”
• “Yeah, I owe the bill but doesn’t this new Obama bill cover all health expenses?”
• (Guy who called inbound to fax in his sister’s certificate of death)
”But yeah, you guys keep sending me bills about my deceased sister and it’s getting pretty annoying.”
”I apologize for that sir, we obviously had no clue—“
”You don’t need to explain yourself, I use to work in debt collection.”
”Oh yeah? Did you like it?”
”I found it really depressing, actually.”
”Yeah…”
• “Listen honey, you’ve got to call me before six o’clock because I’m pretty drunk after that.”

When the Boss is the Office Slut

CubeSanity — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 23:12:42 +0000

Have you ever had issues with your boss at work? I have. I worked for a woman who was considered the office slut. Her name was Christy; she was 33 years old and she had a lot of assets which she used to her utmost advantage. Christy was intelligent but she chose to fall back upon her appearance the majority of the time which was unfortunate for me.

Christy was hired for one reason alone; the way she looked. She didn't know anything about web site design. I taught her everything about the web because that's what I do. I'm a professional no matter what the circumstances (I am such a wimp...).

After she moved into the office, she would come in gushing about an engineer she had slept with over the weekend. “He's the one!”, she'd drool. Really? She had way huge hair, skirts that barely covered her butt and stiletto heels. So, she got any guy she wanted.

Several months after she started, she had to do a presentation for the directors of the company regarding the expansion of the facility's Internet web site. How to make chocolate chip cookies was the basis of her presentation. What the? They loved it of course, because she wore a skin tight, red suit and five inch, CFM heels (I don't need to translate that acronym, right?).

One of her most infamous stories that circulated around the company was told over and over by a guy in my office. Jason was asked by Christy to help move her then boyfriend in to her house. Jason agreed to bring his truck by to move the boyfriend's furniture. When Jason showed up Christy came to the door wearing only her underwear. Enough said.

Fortunately for me, Christy got a high priced position for a larger company and just as quickly was laid off when the dot-com bubble burst. There is justice in the world, after all I guess.

What's your slutty boss story?

How Do You Roll Out of Bed?

CubeSanity — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 23:03:28 +0000

How long does it take you to get ready for work in the morning? Barb, one of my co-workers, is a 42 year-old analyst who makes her lunches and picks out her outfits for the entire week at the beginning of her week. She also showers and washes her hair the night before. She has mastered the fine art of whittling away at the amount of time necessary for her to get ready each and every morning. In fact, Barb does so much prep work for her mornings that she can literally roll out of bed, throw on her clothes and hit the road.

I am so impressed! I wish I could be so proactive. Imagine how much less stress there might be in my morning?

Right now, my day starts with an annoying alarm that goes off at 5:30 AM. Somewhere within the next hour, I actually crawl out of bed then walk over to the bathroom to take a shower. Afterwards, I glare at the clothes in my closet for about 10 minutes with disgust because I am sick of all of them and I don’t know what to wear. Often though, I’ll paw through the pile of clean clothes on the floor.

Next, it’s time to figure out what I’ll eat for lunch. It’s a difficult task since there’s usually not a stitch of edible food to be found in my refrigerator. On this particular morning, I found some sketchy leftover chicken and rice which had been in the fridge for 3 days. Since I didn’t have time to prepare a decent lunch, I tossed the leftovers into Tupperware.

In between all this my 13 year-old daughter and husband scurry around trying to get ready also.

Finally, one hour after rising, I have five minutes to fix my hair and pull everything else together to leave. There is no margin for error in this process and no time for anything else. I can't stop to get gas, coffee or mail a letter. It's a hideous way to start the day.

Just to throw a wrench into all of the chaos, we now have a dog! Ah! What was I thinking? So, now every morning I have to make sure the dog eats and pees and poos before I can be on my way.

How do you roll out of bed in the morning?

These Shoes Were Made for Walkin?

CubeSanity — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 02:04:36 +0000

I often stare simultaneously dumbfounded and in awe of the women in my office who can wear five-inch stiletto heels to work every day, eight hours a day. Denise, a program analyst who just turned fifty still wears her heels daily. I asked her if she travels from her car all the way to her desk in them. Her answer was a resounding YES! I kept thinking of how much pain my feet are in after only trying on two inch pumps.

Even though I know without a doubt that I would not attempt to navigate around even my ten by ten foot cubicle on stilt-ettos for fear of being up that high, I wish I could wear them all the same. I think the shoes look awesome on a woman's foot! Denise at fifty still looks sexy in part because of her shoes.

A completely ambivalent stance – (no pun intended) but true, I hate even admitting that I think they improve the look of a woman's calf. Ugh. If I didn’t have problems with my back and didn’t mind my feet hurting all day long, maybe I’d wear stiletto heels to work too!

But all the same, I do think it takes either a truly gifted or slightly insane individual to maneuver as little as a few feet in these nonsensical, foot receptacles.

How do you feel about wearing sticks on your heels to the office?

Advice on Office Nicknames

SynergySteve — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 04:53:36 +0000

Like a big guy named Tiny or a skanky girl named Agatha, nick names can define people in ways that visual description can’t. It’s always important to take note of someone’s nick name, obviously so you can remember it but also to note that this person has done something to earn a nick name in the first place. If someone has a nick name at work it means they’re either going to be the coolest person in the office or maybe the social plague.

There are exceptions to this polarizing statement, like if your workplace has seven guys named John they can each get their own nick name for clarity. (Ex: Tall John, Loud John, Pants John, Flan John, On and on and on John, etc) Or sometimes people have nick names that they prefer to go by but are actual names, like this kid in my 7th grade Home Ec. class named Wendell who quickly correct our teacher during attendance with a “IT’S JOHN! CALL ME JOHN!”

Other than these special cases, people with nick names are pretty much 50/50 the coolest person you’ve ever met or an unprecedented douche bag. One of my best friends in high school was called Pants John for the exact reason I mentioned in the above paragraph (he was the John with the bleached, super baggy black jeans). Other times though you’ll meet these douche bags who introduce themselves like “Hi I’m Greg, but everyone calls me Scooter”… like you’ll be impressed by Scooter telling you his self indulgent, unoriginal half-baked nick name.

At work I avoid getting pigeon holed with a nick name and let other people get that (often time) unwanted attention. I learned this from an old office job that required us to choose a nick name so our boss could make us decorated name tags to hang on our cubical wall. Having a name like Travis and being an English major my mind immediately went to a word play on my name: Travesty. I had this made and hung on my wall for about two weeks until the head of the bilingual department, Violeta, approached me and asked why I had that on my wall. After explaining she politely asked me if I knew what it meant in Spanish; no I quickly replied, Why? Because it means Transvestite. As Seinfield would say, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” But I am not that and I had a sign over my head proclaiming it.

Advice on Office Parties

SynergySteve — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 04:48:54 +0000

The office party is a test of wits and patience. If you don’t enjoy the company of your office peers in a works setting, odds are making small talk with them will be as desirable as the crab dip Doris made for the work party. Surviving the social obstacle course that is an office party relies on not coming out of one’s social bubble too much and maintaining strong conversation diversion tactics.

Regular work small talk is just that, small. Smoke breaks and quick walks to the bathroom require menial conversation to be kept at a minimum. That’s why co-workers are co-workers, because conversation rarely gets serious enough for a friendship to develop out of it.

Before these instructions sound too cynical I must reiterate that this advice is for office co-workers you really don’t want to talk to at an office party and it should help ten fold if you hate the whole office. That being said, find out if this party is going to have alcohol and if so find out if it’s free of charge. Those two factors will change everything because once the social lubricant of sweet booze has stopped inhibitions, my advice will be moot. Then again if the booze is free just get yourself good and toasty to forget the whole ordeal; gin and tonic tends to clear my brain so pick your usual.

Conversation Shifters
One must practice conversation shifters. Have a few stock stories in your mind that go over well and if the conversation a co-worker has initiated takes a sour turn, use any detail from said musing to grab hold of the conversation. Once your story is done, excuse yourself to the bathroom to buy some time.

Float Around the Food/Booze Area
In general, try to float around the food/booze area for a couple of reasons. First, you’re always by some food so if a co-worker starts to annoy you, just start talking about how great whatever you’re eating is. Second, you’re always right next to the food and booze. Third and most important you can just keep telling people to try the such and such that whoever brought to the party. No one can talk properly with a mouth full of food and full people tend to get tired quickly.

Run for the Bathroom
If all hell has broken loose and someone tries to start a party game, run for the bathroom like you have explosive diarrhea and a case of spontaneous puking. If that doesn’t work and you’ve been sucked into the game, lose on purpose as quick as possible, but make it look like you tried so don’t look like an ass. If a prize is on the line make your own cost analysis to see if the ordeal is worth it, because a ten dollar gift card to Target certainly isn’t worth having a dance off with your boss.

Sometimes It's the Little Things

CubeSanity — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 01:04:45 +0000

Being at work generally consists of daily mundane tasks such as reading email, attending meetings and pretending to like my boss. But don't feel too badly for me because sometimes it's the little things that help the hours roll along and make the day somehow bearable.

For example, today in my plastic Ziplocbag full of juicy, crisp, red grapes, I stumbled upon a weird looking grape. When I showed it to my cube mate she proclaimed it a GRAPEKIN! A grape shaped like a pumpkin! So, I did what any nerdy, IT person would do after we got done laughing. I took a picture of it. Check it out! Cool, right?

Well, at the time it seemed really cool. Right along side the doughnut that looked like a male appendage. Complete with red, jelly oozing out the end. I videotaped that one. I couldn't find the .mpg file. Sorry about that.

The other day the guy in the cube next to me forwards around a YouTube video of his humping, potbellied pig. Well I laughed and I laughed loudly. I'm thankful to have those little distractions. Granted, they are sophomoric but it gets you through the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WMGrOwoWIw&NR=1

Not to beat a dead horse, it's the little things like pumpkin shaped grapes or phallic symbol doughnuts or humping pigs that can get us through the hour, the week, the month.

What do you do to get you through your work day?

When to Call in Sick

CubeSanity — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 00:45:01 +0000

Unless you work for the state or federal government, then you're like me and you have a limited amount of vacation and sick time. To be exact, I have 5 – that's 5 sick days for the entire year. And that time is also to be used for doctor and dental appointments. It sucks, right?

Hanging onto my sick leave is a top priority because those days can be used as vacation time or a much needed mental health day if I play my cards correctly. So, with that said, I only call in sick as a last resort. That means going to the office in all states of physical illness.

Suffering from a cold with a sore throat, runny nose and cough – into work I go. All my co-workers glare at me as I continue to hack all day at my desk. They'll do the same once I spread my germs all over. Feeling nauseous? Into the office for me. I just keep the garbage can close in case I can't make it to the restroom.

It's unfair to my colleagues but it is a challenge albeit a disturbing challenge to see how far I can push myself to maintain those days for a happier occasion.

I do have my limitations though. Unless I'm going uncontrollably both ways or down with a really bad flu (a fever of 102 degrees minimum), the kind which completely immobilizes me then I will be coming in to spread my microorganisms. I'm sorry for those who will be exposed to my contagion but I have to what I have to do.

What do you save your sick days for?

Please Get Out Of My Personal Space

CubeSanity — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 00:38:58 +0000

Have you ever had a job where you didn't feel comfortable in the space allotted to perform your daily tasks?

Whether it be too little space or a lack of ambiance (I'm saying the word using a British accent) or someone continually staring over your shoulder, finding that happy medium can be challenging.

I know this because I worked in an office in which there wasn't enough room for all the occupants. I sat uncomfortably close to a 25 five-year old, man-boy who wore too much cologne and whose head swiveled in my direction constantly throughout the day. The office did a lot of customer support so I was on the phone much of the time. As I was speaking to someone, he would repeat what I said to the person on the other end. It was like that annoying echo you get when there's something wrong with your phone connection! Every day I wanted to take the receiver and hit him in the face with it!

Additionally, he would stare at my monitors and comment on how I was writing my code. I could see his spikey hair in my peripheral vision. “You know you could save some steps if you blah, blah, blah.” I wish I had the nerve to say shut the f up and turn around! Thankfully, he decided to take a position doing web design for a company whose site bordered on being pornographic. It was a perfect place for him to end up.

It didn’t get any better when he left. The guy that replaced him would listen to my conversations then ask who I was talking to. “Was that your sister?” Yes! Shut up! I had to run out to my car and talk on my cell because I didn't want to make a personal call when he was around. “It sounded like you were having an argument with your daughter....” Really? I couldn't win.

What's your office space story?